he wants to bone in the snuggie
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
