U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
two words: eviction party
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
