Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
