I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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