my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
