so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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