i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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