Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
