Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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