can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
