I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
