remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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