I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
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The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
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For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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