before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
im six kinds of drunk right now
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
