Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
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In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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