Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You left your underwear on the fireplace
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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