I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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