Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
