you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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