I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
