I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
