allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Randomize
