I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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