If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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