he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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