these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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