I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
