my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
