I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
