does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
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