hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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