My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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