You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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