i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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