just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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