i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
