ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
