i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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