Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
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