He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
