Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
