i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
