he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
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But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
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I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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