Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
