Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
