Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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