You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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