separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
