Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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