I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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