Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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