capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
