im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
