it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
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well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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