hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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