Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
