my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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