Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
