I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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