at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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