Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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