You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
